Senia.com Positive Psychology Coaching

If I told you I could teach you two sets of skills - one anticipating and the other defensive - which would you choose first? Which would you be more excited about learning?

I’ll give you concrete examples. I was teaching some great MBA students this past week, and my colleague and I were teaching them both types of skills.

Anticipating:
* How to have a good-communications relationship so that misunderstandings are less likely to happen, and good interactions are more likely to occur?
* How to increase the strength of your immune system by being more aware of the good things going on around you?
* How to use your strengths more to bring you more productivity and enjoyment?

Defensive:
* When something bad happens - like your boss calls you into his office with no warning, and says, “I have a concern,” how do you react and how do you handle yourself?
* When someone seems to lose trust in you, what do you do?
* When everything seems to go wrong, how do you pick yourself back up and put yourself together and keep going?

Which of these sets of questions attract you more? I’d be very interested!

Thanks, Senia

I had so much fun giving a talk at the Kiwanis Club recently.

What a fun group of people. My talk was right after their lunch, and they were laughing and joking all throughout their lunch. And then they had the formal part of their meeting, including a new inductee. And finally, they did “Happy Dollars”!! Have you heard of this?! A Kiwanis member walks up to a hat at the front of the room and puts in a Happy Dollar for something that’s going right in life, “Here is a Happy Dollar for the new inductee,” “Here is a Happy Dollar because this great piece of news happened to me this week,” etc. That was a fun activity to listen to.

I’m putting up these notes because I’ve started doing quite a few talks, and I’d like to have a record of what happened at each of these talks. So, here’s this one:

• We did the Magic Trick.
• Then I asked people to pair up in twos, and to describe a recent experience they had when they gave or received a compliment.
• Then I asked people what some of the components were of a “good compliment.” I got answers including these: sincerely, enthusiastic, positive. These words then turned out to come up again and again as I was describing ACR and positive emotions. I could also refer to “what Lisa said” and “as Doug pointed out earlier”.
• Then we talked about the potential benefit of compliments, and more generally of positive emotions.
• I gave the examples of anagrams, water and 90 seconds, and (did I talk about?) seeing on the periphery (could have mentioned liver surgeons).
• Then the fun stuff: psychological capital and the (made them guess) 3:1 through 12:1 ratio.
• Finally, I described and we semi-practiced in a large group the technique of ACR.
• We ended with “Speed Appreciation” in pairs with the elbows and wrists touching.

Cool. That was an entire session.

So the answer to yesterday’s question: “Mike did things - you tell me, how did Mike do things?”

Mike did things … as an example to his kids.

I cannot believe how powerful this concept is. I cannot believe it.

Doing something as an example to yourself and to others.

Now, I know what you might say, “Hey, Senia, how about internal motivation? How about being internally propelled to completing the activity rather than looking for external validation?” I say, “Yes, you’re right.” But I would also say, “How can you make your habit committed, or public, or accountable?”

How can you make your habit into a commitment? In yesterday’s story, Joe had to think about it each time he considered going to the gym: “Should I go? Should I not?” That entire thought-process takes ten minutes, not to mention that that’s ten minutes you’re not actually doing anything at the gym, or that you’re scratching away at your self-discipline, and making it harder for yourself to resist the next temptation.

How about not thinking about it? One way to not think about a habit is to just KNOW that you do it no matter what. And if you do a habit no matter what, you are in a sense making an example of yourself - if only to yourself!

When I started career coaching, and started realizing that people don’t DO everything they want to do, I got very involved with the research behind habits and creating great habits. That literature still motivates me, and almost always motivates my clients when they learn about it. I’ve suggested aspects of self-discipline and habit-creation to my clients to these successes: * One mini-triathlete was created * Three people became nearly-addicted to weight-training * Several people have a morning plank-and-crunches routine * One person has a back stretching nearly-daily routine * Two people have a work-healthy-eating routine * Three people now stand up for their beliefs more at work * Two people created a morning efficient-working-at-the-office routine * About twenty people now breathe more and stretch their neck, arms, backs more at work

But you can’t be a coach and describe this research and these results without doing it! The best thing I did in 2007 was my exercise regimen. I am bringing it back now, this year, and it’s a slower bring-back. At the same time, I know it is returning - just like the Return of King Kong! :)

I am the biggest advocate ever of doing certain simple things and doing them well: * Sleep * Exercise * Drinking Water * Eating Vegetables * Focusing on a Work Goal And all those in that order.

These habits work.

There is one lesson that stands out far and away ahead of every other that I have learned as a coach. I’ll show you how my good friend Mike and my good friend Joe live through this lesson.

Mike used to get up every morning at 5:45am to make it to the 6am rebounding (small trampolines) or spinning (stationary bicycling) class. He used to go to bed by 10pm in order to be able to get there then next day. And one day, he told me what a particular day looked like: It was 5:40am and the middle of winter on the east coast of America - i.e., cold, dark, and quiet outside. And his alarm had gone off. He was so tempted, so tempted, he said, to just doe off a little longer. But he felt that he couldn’t. It was just before his 6am class and he had to be there. If for nothing else, to set an example for his two teenage kids about getting out the door and to your goal, he said.

Joe has gotten up early when at jobs that required him to get up early. Joe really believed in the individuality of people and in the self-awareness of knowing when and how you want things done. Joe also believed in people thinking for themselves, and he really believed in the rogue thought, i.e. in the idea that contradicts other ideas. (more…)

Hello great people,
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

Last year was … finishing things.
This year is … cohesion.

Last year, 2007, my goal was finishing things, and in the spirit of David Seah’s GHD resolutions tracking, here’s a countdown of whether I did or did not finish things in three domains - editing, teaching, and coaching:

1) Editing.

Finishing things - I wanted to get pos psych news out to the world, and luckily - so did about twenty other writers - thus, I launched the website and ran it throughout the year. There is a lot more to build out, but the things we have so far are:

• 203 articles published last year
• over 30 amazing authors
• over 10,000 unique visitors per month
• incredible articles - I mean incredible! Here’s the Table of Contents.

Also, PPND owes a great deal of thanks to Dave Seah, Kathryn Britton, and Timothy So - brainstorming, site design, great discussions. Mucho thanks.

2) Teaching.
Finishing things - I taught for the first time at an Ivy League institution. I wanted to do this, and I put together a good course outline, and gave it my all over the semester. Being an Instructor at UPenn was fabulous - I prepared heavily for each conference call, and so did the students. Over the nine conference calls and many papers, it was just thrilling to have ideas turn into chatting companions. I enjoyed grading papers! The ideas were interesting enough.

3) Coaching.
Finishing things - There is a system of skills that I have been presenting to my coaching clients. I work primarily with entrepreneurs and people changing jobs. My main system is targeting-assessment-practice. My more detailed system, and the one that I have been increasingly presenting to clients, is personal fitting of tools to their situations. I am making this increasingly process-rich, as opposed to job-shop, and am really excited when these Senia positive psychology coaching tools work best for my clients. Furthermore, my clients are an incredible group of people, and I have been thrilled to be working with them in 2007 and 08.

Coaching achievements by clients in 2008:

• Businesses started by my clients: two.
• Jobs attained by my clients: eight.
• Promotions gained: two.
• Higher salaries attained by practiced negotiation: three.
• Clients who increased their exercise regimen significantly: twenty.
• Clients who aimed to lose weight - and did: two.

p.s. Since I’m writing this - oh! let’s say “a few” - a few days after the New Year, I think it’s only appropriate that I’m emailing you from near Sydney, where among the earliest of the New Year celebrations occurred: New Year 2008 starts in Sydney (just watch the first 20 seconds - notice the fireworks off the bridge - I am going to walk UP the arch of that bridge next week!).

Remember when we talked about how you do anything is how you do everything? Today’s quote is:

“Put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.”
~ Swami Sivananda Saraswati

Swami Sivananda left a medical practice to become a monk. He had many disciples including Krishnamurti. Also on his quote bio, “…He wrote more than 300 books on Yoga and spirituality. He died in 1963.”

That’s cool! “More than 300 books!”

Csikszentmihalyi: “When a person’s psychic energy coalesces into a life theme, consciousness achieves harmony.”

What is your psychic energy?

How does your psychic energy coalesce into a life theme?
Could you be detailed about how it is coalescing?

Like Judi says here:

“Some people think planning and flexibility are two sides of a coin. I disagree. I think in many respects planning can enhance our flexibility. I’ve always experienced this in Software Development. … I recently experienced it in my personal life. We go to the Indy 500 every year with a large group of friends. We have been doing this for 14 years, so we have the routine down. This year we had quite a few curve balls thrown at us, and because we had done this so many times before, and planned well, there were no issues. … Because we had a plan to start with, it was easy to adjust.”

Judi also wrote in another post that she had a 3-step daily method for blog writing at one point this summer:

1. Spend 10 minutes writing a new post, and leaving it in your “Drafts”
2. Spend 10 minutes editing yesterday’s post
3. Spend 5 minutes commenting on someone else’s blog

What I like most about that is there is progress on every level. #1 - Progress in starting something. #2 - Progress in finishing something. #3 - Progress in connecting with bloggers.

It’s a routine, and it’s a routine that moves things forward.

When I coach people, I nearly always make sure to have all the stages of this process: we start with some physical warm-up, then decide on an agenda for the call, then touch on general and specific topics, and we end with actionable steps for the week. It’s a routine. It’s a ritual. It holds a lot of pieces in it. We’re always working on physical and work-focused goals. And we’re always consciously or unconsciously measuring those goals. We always have actionable steps. Nearly always have some mind exercise and some body exercise.

Small steps, Ellie, small steps.

Prize goes to the first person to guess where that quote is from without searching for it online!

I routinely think:

• What is the next big win?!?!
• Where can we do new, interesting things?!?!

I think about this for my career coaching clients - “Where can they have the most impact? Where can they move to what they most want?”

I think about this for myself - “What’s the most effective thing for me to do this week to move forward for next week? What can I do tonight that’ll make me better during the hoops game? What can I do to make the most exciting experience ever for this community I’m working with?”

Margaret Greenberg showed me some interesting keys to progress recently. You may remember Margaret from her Margaretisms. You may also have seen her journalistically-marvelous article on Toyota’s positive business practices in today’s Positive Psychology News Daily.

Margaret and I and two colleagues did a radio program together a few weeks back. I had sent out the questions for us to answer as a group. One afternoon, Margaret had a little extra time, and she replied to each question in detail, and sent them back to me. “So what?” you might be saying. “Big deal? She prepared for the program.” Yes - a month in advance!

So what happens in your brain when you complete a step of a project?!

Well, ACTUALLY, that was the subject of my Masters thesis at UPenn in ‘06. What happens once you get some movement towards a goal is that the goal moves to your subconscious thought. And then, it actually PROGRESSES within your subconscious thought - as long as you have helped it out and put it there with enough ammunition - with enough detail and information for your brain to be able to mull over that thought. Some of that thinking continues to go on under your conscious level.

A lot of that thinking is called Level D thinking, and often when your consciousness meets some of those thoughts that have culled from the subconscious progress of the thought - often, then you have an intuition about the problem at hand.

So, one of the things that Margaret is doing by allowing herself to prepare for something early is that she sets her subconscious brain to help her think about those thoughts. She also REMOVES STRESS at the last minute. Finally, she allows herself to do projects that are very good, and thus actually get them done rather than seeking perfection. Have you heard the phrase, “The great is the enemy of the very good”?

I was once riding on an Amtrak train a decade ago, and came across an article that was titled or subtitled, “Discipline Gets You Freedom.” And I thought about it then, and still believe it now. It’s what gets me to the finish line - the discipline, the slow and steady.

And to me, that means something very practical:
* Doing something for 15 minutes to two hours each day.

That’s it. You may remember it from these posts on how to accomplish anything and on expertise being trainable. Literally, that is the slow and steady. Doing it each day.

So here I am again. :)
Hi.

There’s a group I used to visit a lot that’s stopped having discussions recently (the Happiness Group), and in that group, there were a lot of discussions of what Happiness is. FYI, here’s an overview of the group’s best hits (Favorite Posts 1 and Favorite Posts 2)

I know there’s a lot here - choose one or two to check out. I just wanted to get the phrases and the links out for reference and because they’re about a time and a place.

Here are some oldies but goodies about what people said:
Happiness Is … PLAY!
Happiness Is … Flow
Happiness Is … Learning from Adversity
Happiness Is … Endorphins
Happiness Is … Knowing It’ll Work out in the End - fun little one!

Happiness Is … Doing New Things - see articles by me, Kathryn Britton, and Sherri Fisher
Happiness Is .. Exploring Every Axis (i.e., Expectations Management)
Happiness Is … Having a Tail
Happiness Is… Putting Things In Motion
Happiness is Memorable

Happiness Is… Knowing YOUR Boundaries
Happiness Is.. No Drama
Happiness Is… Listening to Your Body
Happiness Is … A Study
Happiness Is … Your Own Darn Behaviors
Happiness Is… Being Curious