If I told you I could teach you two sets of skills - one anticipating and the other defensive - which would you choose first? Which would you be more excited about learning?
I’ll give you concrete examples. I was teaching some great MBA students this past week, and my colleague and I were teaching them both types of skills.
Anticipating:
* How to have a good-communications relationship so that misunderstandings are less likely to happen, and good interactions are more likely to occur?
* How to increase the strength of your immune system by being more aware of the good things going on around you?
* How to use your strengths more to bring you more productivity and enjoyment?
Defensive:
* When something bad happens - like your boss calls you into his office with no warning, and says, “I have a concern,” how do you react and how do you handle yourself?
* When someone seems to lose trust in you, what do you do?
* When everything seems to go wrong, how do you pick yourself back up and put yourself together and keep going?
Which of these sets of questions attract you more?
I’d be very interested!
Thanks,
Senia
I had so much fun giving a talk at the Kiwanis Club recently.
What a fun group of people. My talk was right after their lunch, and they were laughing and joking all throughout their lunch. And then they had the formal part of their meeting, including a new inductee. And finally, they did “Happy Dollars”!! Have you heard of this?! A Kiwanis member walks up to a hat at the front of the room and puts in a Happy Dollar for something that’s going right in life, “Here is a Happy Dollar for the new inductee,” “Here is a Happy Dollar because this great piece of news happened to me this week,” etc. That was a fun activity to listen to.
I’m putting up these notes because I’ve started doing quite a few talks, and I’d like to have a record of what happened at each of these talks. So, here’s this one:
- We did the Magic Trick.
- Then I asked people to pair up in twos, and to describe a recent experience they had when they gave or received a compliment.
- Then I asked people what some of the components were of a “good compliment.” I got answers including these: sincerely, enthusiastic, positive. These words then turned out to come up again and again as I was describing ACR and positive emotions. I could also refer to “what Lisa said” and “as Doug pointed out earlier”.
- Then we talked about the potential benefit of compliments, and more generally of positive emotions.
- I gave the examples of anagrams, water and 90 seconds, and (did I talk about?) seeing on the periphery (could have mentioned liver surgeons).
- Then the fun stuff: psychological capital and the (made them guess) 3:1 through 12:1 ratio.
- Finally, I described and we semi-practiced in a large group the technique of ACR.
- We ended with “Speed Appreciation” in pairs with the elbows and wrists touching.
Cool. That was an entire session.
So the answer to yesterday’s question: “Mike did things - you tell me, how did Mike do things?”
Mike did things … as an example to his kids.
I cannot believe how powerful this concept is.
I cannot believe it.
Doing something as an example to yourself and to others.
Now, I know what you might say, “Hey, Senia, how about internal motivation? How about being internally propelled to completing the activity rather than looking for external validation?” I say, “Yes, you’re right.” But I would also say, “How can you make your habit committed, or public, or accountable?”
How can you make your habit into a commitment? In yesterday’s story, Joe had to think about it each time he considered going to the gym: “Should I go? Should I not?” That entire thought-process takes ten minutes, not to mention that that’s ten minutes you’re not actually doing anything at the gym, or that you’re scratching away at your self-discipline, and making it harder for yourself to resist the next temptation.
How about not thinking about it? One way to not think about a habit is to just KNOW that you do it no matter what. And if you do a habit no matter what, you are in a sense making an example of yourself - if only to yourself!
When I started career coaching, and started realizing that people don’t DO everything they want to do, I got very involved with the research behind habits and creating great habits. That literature still motivates me, and almost always motivates my clients when they learn about it. I’ve suggested aspects of self-discipline and habit-creation to my clients to these successes:
* One mini-triathlete was created
* Three people became nearly-addicted to weight-training
* Several people have a morning plank-and-crunches routine
* One person has a back stretching nearly-daily routine
* Two people have a work-healthy-eating routine
* Three people now stand up for their beliefs more at work
* Two people created a morning efficient-working-at-the-office routine
* About twenty people now breathe more and stretch their neck, arms, backs more at work
But you can’t be a coach and describe this research and these results without doing it! The best thing I did in 2007 was my exercise regimen. I am bringing it back now, this year, and it’s a slower bring-back. At the same time, I know it is returning - just like the Return of King Kong! :)
I am the biggest advocate ever of doing certain simple things and doing them well:
* Sleep
* Exercise
* Drinking Water
* Eating Vegetables
* Focusing on a Work Goal
And all those in that order.
These habits work.
There is one lesson that stands out far and away ahead of every other that I have learned as a coach. I’ll show you how my good friend Mike and my good friend Joe live through this lesson.
Mike used to get up every morning at 5:45am to make it to the 6am rebounding (small trampolines) or spinning (stationary bicycling) class. He used to go to bed by 10pm in order to be able to get there then next day. And one day, he told me what a particular day looked like: It was 5:40am and the middle of winter on the east coast of America - i.e., cold, dark, and quiet outside. And his alarm had gone off. He was so tempted, so tempted, he said, to just doe off a little longer. But he felt that he couldn’t. It was just before his 6am class and he had to be there. If for nothing else, to set an example for his two teenage kids about getting out the door and to your goal, he said.
Joe has gotten up early when at jobs that required him to get up early. Joe really believed in the individuality of people and in the self-awareness of knowing when and how you want things done. Joe also believed in people thinking for themselves, and he really believed in the rogue thought, i.e. in the idea that contradicts other ideas.
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