He who _____ first loses

EXAMPLES:

* In a job interview, he who names the salary first loses.

* In a discussion with a teenager, he who loses his temper first loses.

* In a triathalon, he who starts off first often loses.

* At work, he who insists his way is the right way loses.

* In relationships, he who insists that there’s only one way to see things loses.

* In competitive skating, gymnastics (and other sports of an aesthetic nature), the skater or gymnast who goes first loses.

COUNTER-EXAMPLES:

* In a sprint, he who starts off out front often wins.

* In pool, he who starts first often wins.

* In apologizing, he who goes first often wins.

* In starting a project off, he who is assertive and starts first on a productive note often wins, in many cases taking the entire team towards that win.

People Ask What They Want You to ASK THEM

Try this.

Next time a friend or a colleague asks you a question, feel free to answer, and then ask that person the same question back. I don’t know why this happens – this comes from no academic study that I know of – but I have found this to be consistently true.

People ask those things that they themselves want to be asked.

Maybe it’s because … people are practicing those questions in their head (speaking to themselves), and one day they ask that question aloud of someone.

Maybe it’s because … people can think of a personal answer while they are asking a question.

Maybe it’s because … these are typical questions that go on in the person’s head day in and day out, and the listener isn’t always with that person, and so doesn’t hear that question asked again and again. Perhaps Joselle asks everyone she meets, “Which is better – making more money but hating your job, or making less money but liking it a little more?” Maybe that’s just Joselle’s standard question.

Examples:
* “How are you?” – That person often wants to be asked how they are.
* “How are you getting on with your business partner?” – That person often wants to be asked about his/her business partner or work colleagues.
* “How many hours of TV do you let your child watch per day?” – This person is often thinking of how many hours are appropriate for his/her child.

Enjoy asking people those questions they want to be asked anyway!

When to Use Self-Report and When Not To

Penelope wrote recently about finding your fit with the company rather than with the job, and referenced back to a Positive Psychology News Daily article that I had written on using your strengths in the job search.

Stephanie then wrote that using strengths at work makes sense, but only if you’re measuring your strengths objectively.

When should a person should take a self-report assessment and when a person should take a more objective assessment? (BTW, for examples of self-report assessment, please go to www.AuthenticHappiness.org, and click on any of the assessments there – you’ll need to login to take these because they save your results for future visits. For examples of objective tests, you may want to try the two recommended by Stephanie here. Other suggestions for objective tests? Please leave a note in the comments). Some guidelines for when to use a self-report and when not to:

Self-report assessments are useful when:

1) You want to save costs. If you want a quick-and-dirty summary of how you’re doing on certain measures – strengths, optimistic explanatory style, pathways to happiness – you can just hop online and take those respective assessments.

2) You want to be quick. Self-reports are useful for giving you results right away – as soon as you’re done, the results are available. Sometimes, “objective” assessments can give results right away also.

3) You believe that you know yourself pretty well. Every person has a degree of self-awareness. Some people have it stronger than others, and each person has it stronger some times over other times. If you are in a mood that you feel confused about your direction and your state of being, then maybe a self-asssessment would only make you more confused as you might not answering the questions from a steady state of mind.

4) You don’t believe that these assessments are gospel. To be a good candidate for self-assessments, you’d usually believe that the way you answered today is not going to be 100% the way that you’ll answer tomorrow, and you’re likely ok with that. If you want to know whether you answered the math test correctly (or whether you know all the latest regulatons in your field), then you’d better get an objective measure of that.

5) You believe that your results can change over time. Some people do not believe this about self-assessments. You may hear people say that if you’ve shown some strengths on the VIA Signature Strengths assessment, then you will likely show them again next time you take the assessment. I don’t believe this. I’ve seen many people have “love of learning” pop up into their top five or top ten strengths when they start taking some professional or personal-interest coursework. Assessments are a reflection of where you are at that time – in that moment.

6) You are a good practitioner of “the gut test.” Once you get your self-assessment results, the first question you can ask yourself is “Do I believe this? Does this accurately reflect me?” and if the immediate gut answer is “no,” then perhaps this self-assessment didn’t work for you – it might be the day, it might be the assessment, it might be anything. You could then try taking it again on a different day, or you may just say that doesn’t work for you.

Objective assessments are useful when:

1) You want to be more exact. As Stephanie writes here, self-reports do want people to divide into specific categories, no doubt. The questions are often ipsative or on a Likert scale, both of which simplify a person into a stilted few-dimensional form instead of the complex being that the person is. (I would also argue that the point of both self-reports and objective assessments are to simplify a person – to see a specific theme about a person culled down to its simple, describable form.)

2) You want to be more thorough. This is the most effective argument for me for an objective measure. This is the reason that I like to dig into psychology articles – to learn what questions were actually asked. I absolutely believe and agree with Stephanie that questions can be phrased in a way that favors a certain answer, and can be ordered in such a way as to influence the person answering the questionnaire. I wrote here about different ways to study positive psychology (including questionnaires and assessments), and I believe that having a study participant DO something (such as a cause-and-effect experiment) as opposed to SAY something about his/her thoughts (such as an assessment) is often more telling.

3) You are measuring something that can be objectively measured. Some things are not as great at being objectively measured, such as preferences and beliefs. For example, I believe a person is the best judge of whether he or she is happy. If you ask, “How happy are you (1-10) where 1 is very not happy and 10 is very happy?” I would give much more credence to Sarah saying “6” than to Sarah’s husband saying “4” about her because the point is how happy does Sarah believe she is? That’s a subjective response – subjective to Sarah – so self-report is a great method for this.

4) You have the money and/or time. For learning more about an individual manager’s workstyle, it can be helpful to have a 360-degree assessment (i.e. questionnaires filled out by the person’s colleagues, bosses, and direct reports), but these 360-degree assessments come with more cost in money and in time, so there needs to be an appropriate weighting to the importance of these relative to the project. Especially in the case of coaching the leadership and management capabilities of a person, having much more than just a self-report is usually found to be crucial.

Note: There is no particular reason that there are more items for the self-report than for the objective assessment. Please add more thoughts in the comments.

Are you an abstainer, a moderator, or an in-fluxer?

I’ve been working a lot with my clients on creating productive, successful habits. And for you to be able to create a new habit, you will often need to know what method of creating habits fits best for you.

Here are three various ways for taking on a habit:

* ABSTAINING.
If you’re an abstainer, you work best when you completely STOP – cold turkey – an old destructive way of acting. For you, it’s easier to say to yourself, “I will have no dessert after dinner, except on Saturday evening.”

* MODERATING.
If you’re a moderator, you work best when you do not deprive yourself, when you allow yourself some of the old habit. For you, it’s easier to say to yourself, “I will have just a little dessert every day after dinner – just one peppermnt pattie or just one small serving of jello.”

* IN-FLUXING.
If you’re an in-fluxer, you are comfortable going between abstaining and moderating. For you, it’s easier to say to yourself, “Sometimes, I will have no dessert after dinner. Sometimes, I will have a small dessert. I’ll listen to my feelings and thoughts in the moment.”

I find that the in-fluxer is the most difficult position to be in because you need to constantly make ACTIVE decisions about your every action. On the other hand, both the abstainer and the moderator can set up some GOOD constraints, which make day-to-day decisions easier to make because many decisions become automatic. I would encourage you to determine which of the abstainer or the moderator you are in creating new habits. And if you’re an in-fluxer, what can you still do to make day-to-day decisions more automatic and simpler?

Something vs. Anything

In coaching, I often think about how to ask a person questions so that I can understand more of his world. Sometimes it feels as if there are not enough details, or I don’t quite see a situation from her point of view.

In this case, it’s natural to want to ask, “Is there anything more you can tell me?”

But that question is often a dead-end because to a degree it presupposes that, um, no, there’s not anything more that the person can tell me. “Well is there any other way that you could structure your day so that you have healthier food around you?” Um, no, not really, I’m already doing everything I can think of.

Try this question:
“What is some other way that you could structure your day so that you have healthier food around you?”

What did I do differently here?
1) I made it an open-ended question. “What is some way …?” as opposed to “Is there …?”
2) I asked about some way as opposed to any way.

I know this sounds silly – it’s just ONE WORD. On the other hand, you unburden the word by making it open: SOME vs. ANY. You put a new pre-supposition in there. The assumption is that there is some way. Or perhaps together we could think of some way.

“What are some new ways that we could approach this company and this department if you want a job here?”

“Well, I’ve already talked to my contacts there, and I’ve approached the person who has the same responsibilities as me.”

“What might be some other ways?”

“Well, I could contact someone else.”

“Great, who might be some other people that you could contact? What might their roles be? What might they be involved with at the company?”

The openness of “some” and of open-ended “what” questions can move you closer to something true that leads to action. Enjoy!

Don’t Be Timid, Don’t Be Humble

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

If that’s true, then you should jump into the experiments… so double up on courage, and treat all of life as an experiment…

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities… because it is the quality which guarantees all others.
~ Winston Churchill

And once you have that courage, get EVEN MORE COURAGEOUS because you’ve got nothing to lose by flaunting it all …

Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great.
~ Golda Meir

What are some research methods used to study people?

We asked this question yesterday at the first meeting of the Happiness Club NY.

We listed pretty much every method we could think of that’s used to study people. If you can think of other methods, please add them:

  • Asking people: QUESTIONNAIRES. Are you happy, and do you know it? Yes, this is a great method, and this can often lead us to find correlations: we can ask people about their salaries and we can ask them about their happiness. But the one caveat about correlations is that they are not causations – we don’t know which came first – people were happy, and so they got higher-paying jobs or people had high-paying jobs and became happier? One of my favorite studies conducted as a correlation study is this study about very happy people – showing they tend to have strong, quality relationships.
  • Asking people: QUALITATIVE. Some researchers want to get a qualitative sense of a certain aspect of a person’s life. These researchers sometimes ask open-ended questions in order to get more open information. George Vaillant has studied adults of all ages from 20 to 80, and has asked them open-ended questions to get more information. Usually the information is “coded” after the interviews…. for example, an interview about what makes a good life (this is a Paul Rozin example) may yield an answer like “The good life is when you are surrounded by family, when you’ve raised your children well, when you are generally healthy.” This might be coded as “FAMILY, RAISE CHILDREN, HEALTHY.”
  • Having people do activities: CAUSE-AND-EFFECT studies. Inviting college students into the psychology lab to sit in a lab and interact in an experiment. A good example of this is the candy bar experiment that Gilbert writes about in Stumbling on Happiness: on the first day of class, students were allowed to choose candy bars for the following four weeks of the course. Most students chose a variety – M&M’s one day, Snickers another. In following class weeks, they were asked whether they wanted to keep their original choice (i.e. In week 2, they were asked whether they wanted to keep week 2’s choice which happened to be almond joy), and most students changed back to their original favorite choice (say M&M’s). So variety is not always better. This is a case-and-effect study.
  • Beeping people: EXPERIENCE SAMPLING METHOD – Psychologist Mike Csikszentmihalyi is the author of Flow and many other books, and has used the experience sampling method in many studies. The method involves beeping people (and was first used in the 1970’s! when beepers were very uncommon), and asking people to write down at that moment what they were going, how they felt, and other aspects of the experience. Through this method, Csikszenmihalyi learned a lot about times when people are in flow, the state of complete absorption (often in bed with their spouse, at work, at their hobbies, and when driving).
  • Asking people to remember their day: DAY RECONSTRUCTION METHOD – Psychologist Danny Kahneman uses this recently, and so have many other researchers. This is asking a person at the end of the day to divide the day into segments (for example: woke up and did the mornign routine(teeth, shower, etc), commuted to the office, had first meeting with team (1 hour), worked at my desk (3 hours), lunch…), and then to rate different aspects of those segments.
  • Asking people over time: LONGITUDINAL. George Vaillant, author of at least three books on longitudinal studies, including Aging Well, has studied a group of people from age 20 through their 80’s. There is some type of information that is possible to find through longitudinal studies that is not possible to find in other ways. For example, Chris Peterson working with George Vaillant found that optimism in a person’s 20’s can predict physical health at age 60+. How is this possible? The researchers can see whether the people in the study have an optimistic way of writing about events, and then the researchers can examine physical health markers decades later.

What other methods do you know?
Thanks!

If you had founded Positive Psychology, what would you have wanted to study?!

We asked this question yesterday at the first meeting of the Happiness Club NY!

QUESTION: If you had been Marty Seligman, Mike Csikszentmihalyi, and Ray Fowler when they met in 1999 to discuss a new subfield in psychology that would study what is right with people, what topics would you have wanted to put on the table? What topics would you want to study?!

Here are the answers from yesterday:

EXPERIENCES we can study – such as thoughts, emotions…

  • Internal vs. external happiness
  • Consistency in Happiness over time
  • Studying hobbies, flow experiences
  • Exercise and happiness
  • Weightloss and happiness
  • How to move on from a bad thought
  • Conscious happiness, awareness
  • Optimism and adjusting thoughts and controlling thoughts
  • Pleasure
  • Meaning
  • How to increase happiness
  • Happiness in marriage, in relationships, in long-lasting friendships (also “group”)

INDIVIDUAL TRAITS AND CHARACTERISTICS we can study

  • Drive, motivation
  • Responsibility, reliance
  • Personal will
  • To what degree is happiness determined at birth? – Chemical and neurobiological components of happiness
  • Generational: if your parents are happy, are you?
  • Focus
  • Studying traits of good leaders
  • Studying traits of successful people
  • Studying traits of philanthropists
  • Studying optimists (also “experience”)
  • Difference between individual and community happiness (also “group”)

GROUP AND COMMUNITY issues we can study

  • Happiness at work, fun at work (LOTS of interest in this topic)
  • Is happiness cultural?
  • Does happiness have socioeconomic factors?
  • Is there a ripple effect to happiness – if you’re happy, then are others?
  • Happiness and children

————————————————————-
OBSERVATION:
What’s interesting is that the list we came up with has a lot of questions that the original founders of positive psychology came up with too. And it’s not really a coincidence that even though we were sitting in a Columbia Business School classroom, we came up with the fewest categories for “group.” Similarly, in positive psychology, group and organization issues have been the least studied.

You might be wondering why we separated our questions into those categories. Well, first we brainstormed a lot of topics we would want to study, and then we used the three “pillars” of positive psychology to group all our brainstormed topics.

See you at the next Happiness Club NY meeting on July 11, Wed eve – for a discussion about “Is there any magic techniqut to positive thinking? And what if I don’t want to think positive?”

Link: What is Positive Psychology?

Aimless Networking!!!

I was speaking with a friend today, and she said a great combination of words, “networking really is aimless, isn’t it?” And I thought that was so correct, so right on.

By the time you have a goal with networking, it’s no longer networking. It’s sales or starting a transaction or even developing a business relationship. But at that point, it is NO LONGER networking for the sake of networking.

This is fasconating to me because I often have very fun discussions with people without knowing at all how we might one day work together, or have our lives intersect again. No, networking doesn’t have to be all that – the next job, the next project. Networking can be just two people who have a great time speaking with each other … Aimlessly!